Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I will seek that which was lost...

 I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick: but I will destroy the fat and the strong; I will feed them with judgment. Ezekiel 34:16
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have you ever had the feeling that something has gone terribly wrong?  that is the way i have been feeling about my life.
on may 1st, i published my first post for this blog. here is the part that i want to focus on today. "a couple of mornings ago, i woke up with the realization that i am a loser. no self-pity. no woe is me junk. i just realized  that  i having been walking in a delusion these past 17 years! "
in 1996 when i was 18 years old, i got pregnant & i birthed a beautiful baby girl. i am sure that most of you could guess that i am no longer with the father. although this has happened to many women before, it was only on april 30th of 2013 that i stopped to wonder why?
clearly i felt the need to look for something in the arms of a man , uh boy, but what was i searching for? worst yet am i still looking for it? now before you jump off the deep end, no i don't seek solace in the arms of men anymore, i am wiser than that. i know firsthand about the pains associated with premarital sex & the pain of keeping your heart pure- filling your heart with men.  also, i know that we all have a GOD sized hole in us that we often  try to fill with different things. some may be searching for acceptance, guidance, unconditional love, appreciation, joy, peace and the list goes on. but what was i seeking? what didn't i get at home, that i was looking to find in a man?
my parents GOD bless them, were like any other parents, dysfunctional. we are all screwed up , sorry- i mean fallen, in one way or another. my home was more of an example of how not to love someone than the beautiful love story all kids wish they could see at home, not just in the movies. 
i am praying that the Holy Spirit will guide me to the answer, because it is really bothering me. my life has been so difficult that there are times when i wanted to give up! that's it, i am finished! i don't want to play anymore. I now know that life is beautiful, yet when you are walking outside of GOD'S Plan for your life it can get downright hideous!
i drafted this post last night & i thought that i had simply ran out of time to edit and publish it.this morning during my devotional time, i came across this:
May 02, 2013
He said to Simon, "Launch out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch." Luke 5:4 (NKJV)

Early on in Christ's ministry, before He even identified His twelve disciples, He did something that stands as a foundational lesson of discipleship.

A crowd had gathered along the shoreline of a lake. Jesus asked one of the local fishermen, Simon (a.k.a. Peter), to take Him offshore a few yards so He could teach the crowd from his fishing boat. Simon obliged, the people were taught, and then Jesus said something extraordinary (if not insulting) to Simon.

Jesus tells Simon, a seasoned fisherman, how to fish. "Go out a little further and drop your nets there." We know from the next verse that Simon had previously been out the entire night and caught nothing. If you were Simon, you'd be tempted to resist this command. After all, you're the expert on fishing, not Jesus! But watch what Simon says:

"We have toiled all night and caught nothing; nevertheless at Your word I will let down the net." Luke 5:5 (NKJV)

Simon just does what Jesus says, and then catches a haul so miraculous that it breaks his nets! Falling down on his knees before Jesus, Simon recognizes him as "Lord." Jesus then tells Simon he would be a fisher of men from now on (Luke 5:6-10).

The lesson every disciple needs to learn here is this: The Lord often reveals how weak we are through our areas of strength. All of us are very good at certain things, just as Simon was very good at fishing. But no matter how good or gifted we are at something, God always wants us to understand how much greater He is.

God is always the expert. There's nothing in life we can inform or instruct Him on. Our best must always bow before Him in absolute submission. And when it does, when we realize that He knows more about everything, even those things we consider ourselves experts on, the door of faith opens and we're able to say, "Nevertheless at Your word I will..."

Think About It
What does this passage reveal to me about God?
What does this passage reveal to me about myself?
Based on this, what changes do I need to make?
What is my prayer for today?

( this devotion is from the Active Word Daily Devotionals-http://www.activeword.org/dailydevotion.cfm
it is a ministry of Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale- http://www.calvaryftl.org/   it can be heard on reachfm-http://www.reachfm.org/).

so i found myself asking GOD if that is the very answer that i am searching for? 
i thought myself to be an expert at being independent. at 14 i found myself being introduced to the workplace. so from then on, i thought that was what was expected of me, to take care of my own wants. my parents provided the food and shelter, and i would do the rest. my parents weren't hateful, negligent  or mean. they were like everyone-doing the best that they could with what they had. they thought that they were teaching me the number one character trait-depend on yourself. please understand,  i am not blaming them at all. however the "i pulled myself up by my own bootstraps" theory laughs in the face of GOD. apart from GOD we can do nothing. HE gives us the air we breathe. the ability for our bodies to function. HE provides the desires, giftings, passions, interests,and dreams.
"Then he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven"-Matthew 18:34
"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God's messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn't let me..." Matthew 23:37
"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father..." James 1:17
"God gives some people wealth, possessions and honor, so that they lack nothing their hearts desire..."- Ecclesiastes 6:2

from 14 onward, i thought that was how i could prove myself to the world. i won't ask people for anything, unless it is absolutely necessary. then as graduation approached & i found myself 18 years old and  pregnant. i began to try to plan how i would move finally move away from my parents. i wanted to show them that i could still be someone. i could do this. my boyfriend and i would get married (that was the reason we were intimate-one day we will be married anyway, right? "There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death."-Proverbs 14:12; "There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death."-Proverbs 16:25)  then we will live happily ever after. i will become a physical therapist, we will have this one kid that we can spoil, live in a nice house & have 3-4 cars! life is going to be great! then reality set in. i couldn't find a job. at least not a permanent one. meanwhile, my boyfriend took a job with a cross-country moving company, so that he could provide for us. when mom & i fought for the umpteenth time, i figured it was time to go. so i abruptly moved to Key West to live with my grandmother. at least there i could have more freedom & i already had a job awaiting me so i could provide for my child.
more to come as GOD unfolds this story.... 

How did you deal with being 18?

Did you seek to move right away, or did your parents tell you that you were a vital part of the family?
At this point did you have any idea that GOD had a plan for your life?

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